If I counted correctly, this book has 43 official rules, 20 subrules, more suggestions in an appendix, and 15 extra hints. The book is totally written from a women's perspective. The assumption is that men don't want to improve their marriages. Somewhere in the book, you will probably get an idea for how to handle part of your marriage better. On the other hand, the book treats marriage like it is a game to be played rather than a relationship to be developed, expanded, and nurtured. Men are to be kept satisfied in almost every possible way, and women are encouraged to complain to their married friends to get relief from being a doormat for men. The book is also based on the perspectives of the authors rather than on any scientific evidence. I graded the book up one star for the candor shown by admitting that one of the authors was separated from her husband. The book makes one statement that most would agree with. "The truth is, marriage isn't easy." You are encouraged to make "The Rules for Marriage . . . a way of life." As a result, "we don't recommend discussing this book with your husband, or asking him to read it." " . . . [H]e doesn't like to think that you have to read a book to learn to deal with him." While admitting that your husband could be different, the authors come down on the side of the idea that "to be happily maried, a woman sometimes needs to treat her husband as a customer whom she wants to keep happy . . . ."
When my wife and I were married, I think we got better advice. We were each encouraged to try to do at least 60 percent of the total effort to make the marriage work. That approach has worked well.
In the spirit of full disclosure, my wife and I each have been divorced so this is a second marriage for us. We each agree that you both have to really work at building your marriage.
As I read through the list in the book, I saw many opinions expressed that are greatly at odds with my personal feelings. Frankly, if my wife followed this advice, our marriage would not be as good. I would come out ahead in some situations where I don't do so well now, but she would be miserable. My motto is: "If the women are happy, the men are happy." I suspect that if she was miserable, I would be even more miserable.
Many of the rules here are just trying to capture common sense about being respectful of another person. You can give a person respect without ruining your own sense of self-worth though. Let me take an example here to help you understand the book better. Rule 9 is "Let him win." In the detail, there is an exception for when "it is a crucial issue for you." I think a better approach is to simply sit down sometime when you are both agreeable to do so, and share with your spouse what areas you strongly care about and where you feel comfortable feeling flexible. Then take the areas where you both feel strongly, and see what compromises are fair to both of you. For example, if you are from different religions, maybe you can share some observances with each other.
The book needs a lot more about divorce and remarriage. These are whole book subjects, and get short shrift here. I believe there are more remarriages now in the United States than first marriages each year. This book is primarily written from the perspective of someone marrying for the first time.
The book also seems inconsistent. While arguing that women should lie down and let men have their way, the book draws the line at one instance of adultery by the husband. That means the marriage is over, even if you stay married. I feel that if a woman feels that way, she should be sure her husband knows that in advance. Most men I know wouldn't expect that reaction from their wives. I expect a marriage-ending reaction from my wife, because she has told me she feels that way. I think that's a good example of the importance of sharing what you think and how you feel with one another (although not overdoing it).
I am a big fan of Dr. Phil McGraw's books, Relationship Rescue and the Relationship Rescue Workbook. I suggest that you read those books and do the exercises with your fiancee and spouse before you have problems. You will clear up a lot of potential misunderstandings that way. Avoid this rule-based approach.
Provide a happy home for your spouse . . . and yourself by becoming a mutually-understanding, mutually-communicating, and mutually-supportive team who love one another in as many ways as possible. May God bless your marriage!
